A while back I took this course, which is about having the courage to dream big. For the most part, I completed every assignment pretty well on time (I try to be a good student); however, one eludes me to this day. It involves writing from the perspective of my future self, five years down the road. Five years where things have gone really well. Basically, it’s an exercise in being hopeful.
And I’m stumped. Not because I don’t know how to dream big or because I am not a hopeful person (some days more than others, I will admit), but aside from a general overall fuzzy picture of what I would like to have happen, I have no idea of where I might want that to be. I have little inklings of “Gee, that would be nice,” but as far as any kind of direction to think of going, I feel like I just spin in circles. So many possibilities, but which one is “right?”
There it is; that darn word. “Right” there, in the last sentence of that paragraph. “Right” in front of my nose. “Right” out there plain as day. “Right” in my way.
Because if I am not “right,” then I must be wrong. And I hate being wrong. Funny, I get a LOT of practice at it, so you’d think I would be okay with it by now, but being right is so much preferable (although I work hard to acknowledge when I am wrong and put it right, I must say). I’ve also come to be afraid to be wrong. I’ve reached an age where I feel like there are things I can’t waste time on being wrong about anymore. The wrong guys, the wrong job, the wrong career. “What if I’m just going to be wrong again? I don’t want to put my time into it unless I know it will be right for me.” You get the idea.
Don’t I sound fun to be around? Really, I’m not that bad, but I do look on with a little bit of envy at those who have chosen well for themselves, whether it involved a leap of faith that worked out, or just really great intuition. They make it look so easy, and even though I can appreciate the bravery that must have gone into those decisions, I find myself wishing it wasn’t so hard for me.
Then again, does it “have” (I am carried away with quotation marks today!) to be so hard for me? Am I the one making it hard for myself? Most importantly, is there only one way to be right? I am starting to wonder about that. Maybe there are many rights. Also, maybe there aren’t as many wrongs as I thought?
So… aside from maybe taking several days a small break to think about what to put in this space, here is my perspective 5 years from now. I know it’s clumsy, keep in mind all the other exercises stayed in my lovely little paper journal. Even if it’s not right (as in accurate), I’m happy with it, happy with the hope it brings me. I just felt if I was ever to get this one done, I should just get it out there, on here. So here goes:
October 24, 2015
I remember where I was five years ago. Such a different place than where I am now. So turned around and unsure. So ready for something great to happen… And here I am. I have a growing, happy family of my own, with the man who is my soulmate. Our home is cosy and secure. I have learned so much about natural health and complimentary/alternative healing and have a small, but thriving, practice, and I am ready to take it to the next level. I have also found my creative outlet and have been able to work it into my career path. I am able to listen and hear my intuition and it always helps me to discern what is best for me and my family. Education and being in educational environments are always good ideas. Time has slowed down to a much more manageable pace and I am able to give everything and everyone the attention they need and deserve (including myself). I am able to take time for myself, whether it is an hour at the spa, or a few days’ conference/retreat, etc. I travel with my family, I travel with my friends. I have balance in my life. I am still constantly learning new things. I have a direction, but it does not limit me. I am so grateful for that amazing job I found and took in the beginning weeks of November 2010*. It really set everything in motion and gave me the confidence, and well as the financial freedom, to find and pursue my passions. Everyone there has been so wonderful and supportive. I am happy and I am grateful every day for everything that has happened in the last five years.
*To my friends reading this – the job has not yet appeared, but there is no harm in thinking it will soon.