Well. It’s been an interesting time over here and I have been wanting to write about it and struggling with what to say all at the same time. Long story short, and while I won’t be talking about work on here at all, suffice it to say I went from having no job to having three to pick from in a short period of time and am now in the delightful, yet somewhat scary and daunting, task of getting my life back on track.
I am very excited about the things opening up to me right now. I am also struggling with the fear that it could all somehow go away again and that is really frustrating me, because this is a time for celebration, dammit. I’m not usually like this. I have switched jobs before without worrying, I have packed up and moved my life to two different cities with excitement and confidence. Now, I am getting to go back to a city I have loved living in, moving to a neighbourhood I have wanted to be in for a while (I will actually be achieving a life list item, but we’ll talk more on that when I move) and I find myself, instead of putting all of my attention into making excited plans, instead of fully enjoying my really kind and friendly new co-workers (both of which I am still doing, just in short spurts), worrying about all the ways in which this could go horribly wrong. I am “cancelling” these thoughts as I have them left, right and centre, but it doesn’t stop them from coming and dear brain and inner critic, it is getting tiresome. Come on.
I am lucky enough to understand where it is coming from. My response to stress most days is to not actually address the stuff that is stressing me out right away, but to make up totally unrelated and imaginary things to stress about (“what ifs” as it were) and focus on them instead, which only adds to the load and does nothing about the actual things going on. Super-efficient use of my time, I know. Top it off with a much-longer-than-I-ever-thought-possible period of unemployment, and there is a lack of trust there I never had before for good things to stay good. To sign a lease this time was still exciting and I was able to do it, but it also required a true leap of faith and I still worry about what I may have gotten myself into. I find myself thinking, “What if they decide I’m no good at my job? What if I can’t find another after this contract? What if I am just not good enough for any of this?” and other such crap that my inner critic is delighting at horrifying me with right now.
The good news is, I know this stuff is short-lived. Once I have settled into my routine and gotten my groove back, it will at least diminish if not go away entirely. I know I am a good person who deserves good things. I just find myself having to very forcefully remind myself of that more often these days. I know I am within reason to feel more anxious about this kind of thing given my recent experience and that as long as I just keep going forward, I will get to the point where enjoyment overtakes fear. I look forward to that day. In the meantime, I will just be so grateful for the way things are going and keep plotting out furniture placement in my new home. Can’t wait.