Well my goodness, here we are at my first blogging birthday! Had I remembered that yesterday, I would have saved that entry for today, as it gives a bit more food for thought. As it is, I’ll try to give this auspicious day the justice it deserves as best I can.
I feel so cliché saying something like “What a year this has been!” But it’s certainly been interesting. I know I didn’t blog much for most of it, I struggled for the words a lot. There were things I thought about posting and didn’t. There are things that are set on private and there are things that will never make it out of the drafts folder, but I’m keeping there for my own enjoyment. It’s all good and it’s all mine.
When I think about the person who started this blog and the person sitting here now, they are pretty similar people. I haven’t been magically transformed into someone totally new and improved this year, but I have certainly been shaped by the goings-on in a good way. She was struggling to find her focus and I think I see some possibilities of what can be a bit more clearly. She was trying to soldier on through a rather trying time without needing any help from anyone (I remember using the words “fine” and “okay” a lot) and I am on the other side of finally admitting that what I was doing was not working, asking for support and getting things turned around with that support. Her writing got really expressive and gushy when she was excited about something, and… that’s still pretty much the same. With the odd smiley :-)
I don’t know what is next for me in the coming year. I feel like some exciting and amazing things are coming up quick and I am as ready as I will ever be to meet them. And I’m excited to meet them! I feel like I am on the verge of some breakthroughs that will point me towards achieving the life I have been wanting for myself for a long time, in many areas. It’s a good feeling.
Some people would take an opportunity like this to make some resolutions. And I feel that pull, but I find when I say, “I am definitely going to try to do such-and-such,” I am more often than not disappointed in my performance, which serves no one and just comes back in my face when others remind me of those kinds of things (not that you would, but you know, some do). I think what I will do though, is put down some intentions of what I would like to see here myself and then I have the freedom to do it anytime I like.
I would like to write on here more. I have been in the last week or so and the fact that I have been getting that inspiration back is something I am very happy about! So many times I have opened this page and thought, “I don’t even know what to say.” Let’s hope that I can find more to inspire as I go along.
I would like to be able to bridge my two worlds and talk more about the non-evidence-based (but heavily qualitatively supported) healing work that I have been finding myself drawn to, even though I know I will not be leaving the evidence-based world behind me either. This is a struggle for me, as while there are few people who know about this blog, they are from both of my worlds and I am working through trusting that I have the smarts to pick people who know I am who I have always been and I have not just suddenly gone off the deep end. This suggests that I still look at it a little bit that way, hence the internal struggle to bring it out. I want that to end too. One thing I have found and am constantly having reaffirmed is that the best healers I know are firmly planted here on earth, living very ordinary and human lives. Even while they explore some pretty out there stuff, they are working to show us all that it can be done without turning into a stereotype (unless that floats your boat, and then go for it! Don’t ever let what I say stop you from doing what resonates with you). I know I haven’t seen the extremes, but even I can tell you some stories about a couple of people I have talked to on the way. Maybe I will ;-)
As part of the above, I want to stop worrying about how I am perceived and just write, dammit. It’s a pride thing, I know it. I have a big issue with being seen as intellectually less than others; or worse, being laughed at when I express what I think. Even though I can often laugh at myself and have long accepted that I have the absent-minded professor thing down pat some days. For reasons that are a little bit related to that, but not totally, I did remove my name from here for the time being. Just to give me that little bit more freedom.
So, I guess the intention I am truly (and rather wordily) setting is that I want to be more me on here. More authentic. And more trusting that I will be accepted for it. It’s not like I take great strides to hide myself from the world when I am with people in person, those of you who know me have already accepted pretty much the authentic me, so why would I hide that here? To be sure, this blog is merely a snapshot of some very specific parts of my life that I am choosing to tell you, but to want to write about something and then not because (beyond the general rules of being respectful and guarding the privacy and feelings of others) I am worried how I might look, is inauthentic. And not fair to me.
So. Happy blog birthday to me. Here’s to another year of being myself, and sharing what a great thing that is with you :-) Thanks for being with me on this journey.