More Reason Than Ever

It’s been a bit busy around here and I finally have time to catch my breath/decompress. My job ended this week. It was expected, although earlier than originally expected. It was a contract covering a maternity leave and despite my hopes that something could be worked out, the same reasons that made this year so enjoyable for me are likely the ones that made her want to come back. I understand that. It doesn’t make it any easier for me, but I understand that. So I have been a whirlwind of report writing and loose-end tying and just trying to make sure I left things as best as I could for everyone involved. And I feel I have achieved that, which to me is no small feat. I’m actually happy with the way I have left things. I can’t think of a single thing I “should” have gotten done. A few I would have liked to, but nothing was missed that was needed. Let’s hope they feel that way too.

You would think I would never want to look at a computer again, but here I am, playing on the internets. I can see that I’m still feeling it a bit though. The amount of typos I am correcting in this post is a lot higher than usual — shouldn’t constant typing make me better at that?

I will admit to being sad and a little miffed that it had to be this way. I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t. I was just getting the feel of the place and my rhythm down. I was just starting to see exciting changes in what I was working on. I had just come to the realization that a job existed in my field where I liked the work itself in addition to the amazing colleagues and great work environment, and I could see myself liking it for a long time. And it’s over. Never truly mine in the first place.

And what’s next? That’s the hard part. I’ve been looking for several months already. I’m working on being positive and remembering this is a good time to be looking, that this is a lot better than the last time I was looking, that there are a few things that might be coming into being. But for now, I will admit that I’m worried. That I’m scared. That I can’t see where things are going to go and it’s driving me a little bonkers. The last time I did the search, it took so much longer than I ever thought it could. I’m worried that it could happen again. What then?

Everyone around me has been very positive and I appreciate that. I am trying to trust that. Answer back with an affirmation better than “Gosh, I hope so!” to bring it into the affirmative and therefore into being. I’m not great at it, but I’m getting better. I have to trust that there is something for me now. Something great. Something that is mine. Let’s see it already.

Now more than ever, I think I need to stay on the gratitude thing. I lapsed a little bit with the work wrap-up, but even in my post-wrap-bleary state, I was able to reflect upon a few things that made me thankful this week. Finding the good when things are rocky is probably the hardest thing to do, but it will go a long way in keeping me afloat. So here goes:

March 18 – Amazingly beautiful day

March 19 – A long sit at the park with my coffee watching the birds.

March 20 – I met with a lovely small group of people and experienced some remarkable synchronicity with them. Also, Equinox = Spring!

March 21 – I remembered that doing dishes does not seem to take as long when there is some good music to listen to.

March 22 – Windows open, fresh air in.

March 23 – Sudden, huge patches of daffodils everywhere.

March 24 – Tea and fun conversation with family.

March 25 – Quality time with some amazing people I am honoured to call both friends and teachers.

March 26 – Solidly productive day.

March 27 – Surprisingly productive day in a very busy and distracting environment.

March 28 – It took me all day, but everything I hoped would be done, is done.

March 29 – A lovely good-bye lunch and I left things exactly how I wanted to at work. There’s nothing more to do.

March 30 – Great guidance peppered with much laughter. I so needed that.

March 31 – Tea and laughter and a good rant and more laughter.

Things don’t look so scary now.

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